From Pain and Poor Health to Joy
Posted: Sep 10, 02:42 PMBy Jennifer Hicks
I found my groove, my energy center and my natural rhythm through Nia. After years of sometimes painful and often mind numbing physical practices, Nia introduced my body to freedom, creativity and boundless self-expression.
Nia has taught me to love being me by respecting my body’s way and moving according to its design. I spent six years practicing Nia while working as a Speech-Language Pathologist before studying to become an instructor. Now, as a Certified Blue Belt Nia Instructor, the pure joy of movement that Nia offers is part of my working life. Imagine a job where joy, laughter, fun and dance are infused into every moment. I enthusiastically embrace the potential for fitness, healing and spiritual development that Nia offers and yearn to share that with all my students.
In April 2003, my life changed substantially. My father-in-law had been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The fear of not being able to have a direct impact on the situation, i.e., not being able to cure the cancer, was at times overwhelming for me. To cope with the lack of control, I slowly became quite strict about my own nutrition and began managing unbearable amounts of anxiety by significantly increasing my level of physical activity. I felt that if I did not have the power of immortality for my father-in-law, then I certainly was going to do everything possible to prolong my own life. Sadly, he passed away in January 2004, and I was on my way downhill.
I began being quite creative about getting exercise. Cycling became my main mode of transportation and I used the early morning hours before work, lunchtimes and evening hours to fit in more exercise time. Eventually, I became so enthusiastic about exercise that I would wake in the middle of the night and sneak out of the house to work out. Every spare moment was occupied by some form of physical activity. At times I would manage, despite full and part-time work, to fit in as much as four to eight hours a day of exercise. Running, weight lifting, swimming, soccer, hockey, yoga, power walking, interval training, aerobics and cycling became my second full-time job. Over time, my paid job as a Speech-Language Pathologist got in the way of my ability to work out, making me extremely irritable. Around the same time, I noticed my energy levels souring so high that I seemed to function better and better on less and less sleep.
Not only was I maximizing my physical activity, I was excelling in all other realms of my life. I maintained my very strong professional reputation, took on extra projects, developed new programs, lectured and presented at conferences.
In 2004 everything came crashing down when I was diagnosed as having anorexia. The picture became more clear when I was diagnosed with bipolar as well, which explained the excess energy that propelled me through all that vigorous activity.
I was shocked. I was feeling incredible about my body. For the first time in my always chubby life, I was thin, and I really had not “dieted” to achieve this. I was on cloud nine! I was convinced that the diagnosis was motivated by jealousy–that my doctor and those around me were envious of my new body. I began dressing quite elaborately to intentionally accentuate my thinness. Looking back on that time, I was physically, emotionally and mentally a wreck.
My deeply caring and committed husband saw me through my darkest days and nights. He was determined to help me gain a greater insight into my situation. Even when I felt truly unworthy of his love and attempts to reach out, he was right there by my side. He accompanied me to India in 2005. It was a truly healing experience. Among other events, I met an extraordinary American woman named Lina.
In Rishikesh, under Lina’s tutelage about life, I studied Reiki. The number of spiritual revelations that I had while in Rishikesh were something I still have difficulty truly appreciating. I returned home with optimism for healing and feeling less isolated in my experience. I realized that there is a world of people out there that had been searching just as hard as I had been. It was so refreshing to be able to draw upon that energy.
In India, I learned that the most humbling and centering artistic expression I have is through movement. Feeling my energy move in atypical and individually graceful and healing ways has taught me so much. After years of experimenting with more traditional practices such as running, swimming and rowing, I knew I needed more. I began to thirst for a spiritually based movement and life practice, and my eyes widened significantly to the possibilities.
With this broadened quest, I discovered practices such as yoga and tae kwon do. While these practices fed me in ways that deepened my connection to meaning-based and disciplined movements, I realized they could not completely fulfill my needs. In some ways, I felt that these practices were sometimes creatively limiting because of their “rule-oriented” nature. These disciplines led me to desire more personal expression in my movement.
In 2002 I was working at as a Speech-Language Pathologist at an outpatient rehabilitation facility. I decided I needed more community-based experience, so took on a casual position with a neuro-rehabilitation company. The Director of that company, Marla Feldman, wanted to have a team-building event for the staff, and organized a Nia workshop with Martha Randall, Black Belt Instructor and Trainer in Toronto, Canada. Because of the “no pain, no gain” exercise mentality that I was so familiar with, I distinctly remember finding this barefoot practice a little unusual.
Nonetheless, I was curious, and took classes around Toronto for the next four years. After my eye-opening trip to India in 2006, I decided to enroll in the White Belt Training with Martha. Truthfully, I was still in my exercise mania phase and secretly hoped that learning more about Nia could add to my exercise options.
But that’s not what Nia had in mind for me. Instead, I slowed down. I began feeling and sensing and really moving in a loving way to which my body was unaccustomed. I stopped restricting my food, gained weight and allowed my body to rest and heal
Through Nia, I was introduced to a community of people who were not there to “exercise”–they were there to embody the “joy of life” through dance. The training helped me to break the cycle of numbness I had been engaging in with demanding types of exercise. I was excited to have this intellectually stimulating, spiritually based and fun type of movement practice penetrate my very being. I was shocked that I could find this much fulfillment through a body practice. I cemented my belief that there is much wellness and restorative potential in the movement-music connection. As my body became more alive through these studies and practice, I could physically feel the energy flow and magic engulf me. Surrounded by a group of people who understood what that was like had enormous healing potential.
In finding Nia, I let go of perfectionism, which allowed my unique movement style to flourish. Nia has enabled me to find all my basic energy needs of movement, music and magic through one practice. The ties to spirituality, healing, dance and martial arts that this practice offers has given me a nearly indescribable gift.
I felt inspired by Nia and it’s ability to give me a focus. It met so many creative, emotional, spiritual and intellectual needs simultaneously at just the right time. Nia allowed me to continue to work through deep issues in a more connected way than ever before. Having studied the foundations of this practice and certifying as an instructor has allowed me to deepen my body/mind/spirit connection. And the bonus is that I am able to share the true joy that I have found!
I took my Blue Belt training in May, 2007 with Debbie and Carlos in Portland. Deepening my practice by expanding my knowledge through this process has been a wonderful experience. I’m registered to take my Brown Belt this October (2008)!
Nia is integral part of my recovery. Nia has not only kept me connected, but has helped my self confidence, allowed me to be fully present during physical activity and has improved my body image. It has offered me self-compassion, which has made my eating disorder a thing of the past. I am grateful to Nia for mood management. I can find balance, creativity and healthy expressive outlets through my daily practice and work with students. I can live my life, knowing that I still have bipolar disorder, but because of Nia, have faith that I can make healthy choices about coping. Nia is now an essential part of my life–one that gives me strength and renewed faith in my potential.
Nia inspires my creativity, something that, as a kinetic spirit, I need to experience through movement. The motivation to share this gift of health I have been given has helped me develop my entrepreneurial skills and allowed me to deliver an Intro to Nia Workshop to 50 people this past March in Bangalore, India.
Teaching Nia is really fun and fulfilling for me. I love the creative challenge of sharing my joy of movement in a really transparent way. Meeting Nia neophytes and watching their personal discoveries and transformations is a real gift to me. I feel like I’m really making a difference by sharing this special gem of a wellness tool with the world.
In all, my experiences have taught me that the healing process involves using my unique gifts and resources to renew myself; not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. Despite the fact that I avoided self-reflection for many years, I now can identify with Plato, who said, “the unexamined life is not worth living”. I’m much more in tune now with the idea that, “in order to bear the fruits, you gotta have roots” (author unknown). For me those roots are self-knowledge.
I believe that the therapeutic process is multi-faceted. I have come to understand that there is no single road to wellness and that, regretfully, there is no “miracle cure” for what ails us emotionally. I have learned that the healing journey requires the exploration of multiple avenues, some in parallel, others in a serial fashion. I know that each individual has a different road to travel to get there, and that I must sit in my own driver’s seat. The essence of the process of therapy is to get to a point where one can peel back the layers and see one’s truth. In order for that to happen, I have found that I have had to be resourceful and self-directed. I have had to rely on an intuitive knowing about what would serve me best. Many would find it hard to believe that going to India and studying Nia would be therapeutic for someone with an eating disorder and bipolar disorder!
However, I know now that deep within, we have the potential to heal ourselves. Most of all, I’ve learned that this process does not conform to temporal restrictions; there is no time frame to complete the journey. Along my path thus far, I’ve learned countless lessons about patience, surrender and respecting the divine within.
